Trump’s attorney weaves a magical case for remaining on the Presidential ballots.
Trump’s attorney weaves a magical case for remaining on the Presidential ballots.
Image 1: From CNN: Jonathan Mitchell casting a deadly spell during oral arguments.
Trump’s attorneys started off their defense this week in front of the Supreme Court. The justices seemed quite neutral at the beginning of oral arguments, but Trump’s attorney, Jonathan Mitchell, was able to impact their viewpoints significantly. Mr. Mitchell used a seldom-wielded and extremely difficult legal maneuver known in the business as a spell. Mr. Mitchell started with a summary breakdown of why he refutes the Colorado State Supreme Court ruling that his client, Donald “the rebel” Trump, was involved in an insurrection. Mr. Mitchell stated that Section 3 of the 14th Amendment clearly states that persons engaged in insurrection can be prevented from serving in public office. He also stated that his client’s actions on January 6, 2022, could easily be construed as supporting an insurrection. Mr. Mitchell then began to weave his spell, as quoted here[1].
Justices, please close your eyes and hold your breath.
Take a moment to believe in constitutional interpretation.
Count to three
[Sung]
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
We’ll relook
And we’ll see
How I Bend Your Imagination
We'll begin
With my spin
On what constitutes an insurrection
In a world of my legal machinations
What we'll see
Will defy
Common sense explanation
If you want to view transition
From Democracy to despotism
Anything a despot wants to, he does it
Wanta change the laws?
There's nothing
To it
There is no
Law I know
That can’t be changed with
Pure imagination
Constitutions
Can weave confusion
If you pose the right counterpositions
If you want to skew the 14th amendment
Simply state a loophole in it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta overthrow the government?
There's nothing
To it
There is no
Way to know
If he really joined
An insurrection
Thus you must
Rule against
Colorado’s determination
A hush fell across the courtroom, and it was instantly clear that Mr. Mitchell’s risk had paid off. The justices were spellbound from that point forward and only formed questions that challenged Colroado’s ruling. Eight of the nine judges asked why a single state should have the power to remove an insurrectionist from the ballot. Only Justice Sonia Sotomayor appeared to have resisted the spell but still showed signs of uncertainty. The court watchers declared that this action will go down in history for two reasons. First, it is the most successful litigation spell ever cast in the Supreme Court, and second, it might lead to the court’s dissolution. The results have caught the attention of the US Bar Association, which is rumored to be considering appointing Mr. Mitchell to the honor title of Lord Wonkamort in vicem.
[1] Reader, beware that reading this section may induce an unhealthy mystical separation from reality.