Trump declares his children are from tainted blood!
Trump declares his children are from tainted blood!
Image 1: From Creative Commons: Trump is seen here with his immediate family.
Former President Donald Trump has clearly outlined his policy plans for immigration. Trump started to describe his policy plans in October when he described immigrants as a threat to America because they poison the bloodlines. Trump has outlined multiple steps to control this threat if he is reelected. He will improve border security, create holding camps, and forcefully deport immigrants. When asked by our intrepid reporters how this would improve his previous policies, Trump replied, “This time it will be much more bigly!” I am talking about bigger walls, bigger holding centers, bigger border guards, bigger planes to send them back, and bigger stamps on their passports saying, “Go home!” The sheer bigliness will frighten away even the smartest of people trying to live in America. Our reporter then asked how Trump would pay for such a big investment, to which he replied, “I will have all the other countries in the world pay for it. I mean, it’s really their fault they have such poor economies, and their people can barely make it by, so of course, they should foot the bill.” When our unimpressed reporter asked him to explain how poor countries could afford to pay for this bill, Trump responded, “They will have to because I tell them to, except Russia, of course. Can’t go after my BFF since he is spending so much money losing to Ukraine.” “Besides,” said Trump, “If They don’t cough up the goods, I will just steal it from military housing like I did the first time. The families of those suckers don’t deserve any new homes.”
Trump was then asked about rumors that his inspiration for this policy is derived from Adolf Hitler’s book Mien Kampf; Trump replied, “That it is ridiculous.” “This is so wrong in so many wrong type ways. First off, everyone knows I don’t read. How can I have read a German book about camping when I don’t even read English books? I mean, really, if it is longer than a tweet, I lose interest. I live my whole life that way. Really quick and move on.” Melania Trump emphasized this by saying, “My little Don is always quick and never lingers.” Trump then turned to Melania and stated, “Hey, no one told you to talk. Get your Slovenian ass out of here.” Melania then bowed her head and went to be with the children. Trump then looked back at our reporter and stated, “I tell ya’, she is so ungrateful. I ordered her online, which was great for a while, but she got her own ideas. You see, this is what I am talking about. I don’t need to read to know how poisoned the immigrants are; I married two of them!” Trump then elaborated by explaining how he has plenty of personal evidence of poisoned bloodlines. “I mean, come on, look at what I ended up with. I got Ivanka, who’s really hot but has crazy ideas like a woman can think or something. Jared tries to keep her in line, but he married her for the money and connections. Then there's Don Jr. and Eric; I mean, if those two aren’t poisoned, then they are just dumb as a box of rocks. Sometimes, when I talk to them, I wish they had been poisoned so I could feel sorry for them. All three have that tainted Czech bloodline. Then there is Barron, who just stands around, never saying anything. I don’t know what to make of him. It must be a Slovenian thing since I surely don’t waste time standing around thinking. Tiffany is my only true blue American child. Tiffany knows how to stand there with her mouth shut and look pretty, just like any pure-blood American girl should.” Our now mildly disgusted reporter asked a follow-up question about how this personal knowledge justifies his statements. Trump responded, “All this personal experience with the immigrants in my family has definitely revealed how horrible they are. I can’t imagine how terrible the rest of our country would be if everyone’s family were as poisonous as mine!”