The most absurd moments of 2022.
Obtained from Wikimedia Commons December 2022.
Welcome, my friends, to a review of the most absurd moments of 2022. There were far too many to list in a succinct manner, so I instead choose to list the top five. I hope you enjoy a good chuckle as you fondly remember this pushing the edge of ludicrous ever farther.
1. The Russian invasion of Ukraine was labeled operation Folly. Operation Folly kicked off with a grand attempt to seize Kyiv quickly and assassinate President Volodymyr Zelensky (not to be mistaken with Vladimir, his Russian cousin). The scene of maneuver matched some of the brilliant planning of Napoleon and Clausewitz. The tactical execution matched the comical displays of the keystone cops. The Russian ineptitude is almost as historic as it is hysterical. The Russian elect forces failed to complete the assassination of Zelensky, failed to capture the Kyiv airport, failed to capture more than a few suburbs of the capital, and left a trail of bodies and burned-out equipment stretching all the way from Kyiv to the Belorussian border. Their continued losses in the face of a Ukrainian army built from on-the-job training prove that they rank among the worst military forces in history. This absurd action is expected to continue its course of failure well into 2023 and likely will end when Vladimir Putin (not to be mistaken for Ukrainian cousin Volodymyr) accidentally falls out of third story window of his Dacha.
Obtained from Wikimedia Commons December 2022.
2. Will Smith communicated displeasure via a bitch slap. When Chris Rock made a joke about Will’s wife’s lack of hair, Will at first reacted with laughter like most of the crowd. That moment of self-depreciation-based humor rapidly vanished when he looked at Jada and recognized her “I am not amused” look. This motivated Will to find some way to make up for his gaffe, and he quickly lept into action. Before he realized what he was doing, he was up on stage, walking toward a clearly nervous Chris Rock. It had been too long since Chris had pissed someone off enough to get bitch slapped, and his reflexes were rusty. Thus Chris stood there in shock, looking like a deer in headlights. Will approached Chris and realized that he had no idea what he was doing. Fortunately, the numerous pre-show drinks combined with a motivation to ensure he looked tough in front of Jada formulated a last-minute (and primarily instinctive) action to deploy the bitch slap. This highly effective schoolyard maneuver has a long and storied history of solving minor issues among boys. It combines the appearance of strong physical action with a complete lack of serious damage. In harmony with his inner 13-year-old, Will conducted the bitch slap. Chris then connected with his inner 13-year-old and stood there in shock. Thus Hollywood witnessed a beautifully executed traditional dispute resolution, and young boys across the county stood in silent approval.
Obtained from Wikimedia Commons December 2022.
3. Prince Charles finally becomes King with Vegas odds 15:1 that it will last ten years. At the spry age of 74, King Charles finally ascended the throne of England. With this action, he quickly moved from being the second most important tabloid topic to the first. King Charles almost immediately walked slowly into action by declaring whose chairs moved on the round table and declared a quest for the green dragon. Throngs of well-wishers stood eagerly outside every move of the new King, hoping to be the first to witness a royal gaffe. Susan Kimberly of Suffolk stated, “I hope to see a short stumble or at least a misstatement. The Queen had lasted so long; everyone had seen a few in their day, but being one of the first of the new King, now that is something!” The transfer of power was conducted peacefully with no challengers, although it is rumored that prince Harry may yet attempt to claim a right to the throne. This is only anticipated to happen if his recent Netflix special flops.
Obtained from Wikimedia Commons December 2022.
4. Donald Trump tries to use ESP to declassify classified national secrets at Mar-o-Lago. When that fails, he then tries to use the same powers to convince the FBI agents that these are not the secrets they are looking for. Lawyers for “the Don” claimed that he is able to declassify documents with a single glance. He is especially fond of glancing at documents related to those who dissed him at NATO meetings. Jack Smith (a special counsel appointed by United States Attorney General Merrick Garland) stated that using ESP is not a legally sound reason nor a federally approved declassification process. The Don then attempted to use the same ESP on FBI agents at his Mar-O-Lago property, being heard many times stating, “I don’t know what you are talking about”, “There is nothing hidden in my storage room” and “These are not the documents you are looking for.” An unnamed FBI agent at the scene stated, “It was really weird seeing the former President walking around in golfing attire spewing out obvious lies but expecting us to buy it. How stupid does he think we are?” Lawyers for the Don were unable to provide evidence of the Don’s ESP abilities when later spotted moving boxes of “personal items” into their vehicles.
Obtained from Wikimedia Commons December 2022.
Honorable mention
Kim Jong-Un throws a temper tantrum over being ignored by actually important international events. Feeling upstaged by events such as Ukrainian invasions, COVID effects on supply chains, and growing inflationary pressures, little Kim decided to throw a temper tantrum. I’ll teach them to prioritize their efforts by attacking the Pacific Ocean! Little Kim then conducted multiple missile attacks on the Ocean, which seemed to have little effect. Aquaman was contacted to speak on behalf of the Ocean and had this official statement: “Although it is cute to see little Kim stomp around and toss missiles, the Ocean is not amused with this wanton display of littering.”
Israel fails to shake its addiction to Benjamin Netanyahu. Despite going through a nationwide 12-steps of Hanukkah process, the citizens of Israel once again elected Benjamin Netanyahu to form a new Government. Yosef Angel was quoted as saying, “We tried going using famous generals and intellectuals, but the use of Benjamin just makes us feel so good!”