Press corps maintains 100% inaccurate forecasting.
Image 1: From a Pilgrim in Narnia, the free media repository.
The public relations representatives of the major news outlets proudly proclaimed they had once again achieved a 100% inaccurate political forecast rating. This triumphant example of how the press corps can remain aloof from the everyday citizen is due to hard work, said Lester Holt of NBC. We can’t just stay in echo chambers. That technique worked for the internet's first decade, but it is now overrun by the common folk. To keep this level of complete ignorance requires a well-thought-out plan fueled by late-night drug-induced meetings of editors.
Anderson Cooper was proud to announce how CNN can openly declare their non-partisan and non-average person reporting scheme. We must fill the 24-hour news cycle with something, and our research has shown that streaming lines of nonsense combined with highly opinionated stories is hugely appealing. The same trusted surveyors provide this unshakable understanding of our viewers’ perspectives and reveal the consistently faulty political perspectives. Only the most expensive PhDs from the most exclusive Ivory towers can separate the average person’s views from our desired outcomes while making the process look academically genuine.
Sean Hannity of Fox news chimed in with resounding praise for the abominable miss. Our ratings were through the roof when we declared that a red wave was coming. We know our viewers prefer to be wholly detached from reality. The idea of the return of Trump was like riding a hot movie sequel. Now that we know this will not happen, we are already working hard with plans to cover the Republican party’s civil war. Just as our pollsters showed all Republicans loved Trump last month, the pollsters are now crafting the surveys to show how the entire party has turned on Trump. We already have the suggestions of potential violence ready for dissemination!
Christiane Amanpour reported the results live on the scene at the Waldorf Astoria’s reception area. The people here are overwhelmingly out of touch with the average America. I am receiving a steady stream of comments and quotes from some of America’s genuinely out-of-touch elites. I expect that all our news agencies will have little problem continuing our track record of entirely wrong political projections. We will even be able to talk about this track record of failure to fill the news gaps for the next few months.