Finland joins NATO, and Russia responds!
Finland joins NATO, and Russia responds!
Image 1 and 2: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 8 April 2023.
Finland was officially inducted into NATO this week, and the Finland machine gun team (pictured above) was delighted! Now we can train with other soldiers; of course, they will be from other countries since we represent the entire Russian border defense force. We cannot wait to share our dog sled tactics and learn about these new weapons called missiles. We are looking forward to developing our defense forces, stated Antti Kaikkonon, the Finnish Defense Minster. When I took on this job, I assumed it was all ceremonial, but now I will get a real budget of €1,000,000! This is amazing and will impress the ladies almost as much as my hair. It is true that my fellow Defense Ministers want to assess Finland’s status of forces to help us expand, but I explained that our one machine gun team makes up 30% of the border population. I am sure we will come to many great agreements, and I will get to play with lots of cool Western stuff.
Image 3: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 8 April 2023.
Vladimir Putin immediately responded with his world-renowned resting bitch face expression. Color me unimpressed by the ridiculously weak defense forces of Finland. Russian intelligence has long been aware of the machine gun team. We know where they live. They do not frighten Russians. NATO would be wise to remember how many Russians willingly died charging German machine guns in WWI. I have plenty of reserves to overwhelm this one team!
Image 4: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 8 April 2023.
Our reporters were able to contact Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu on this topic. Although moving rapidly and constantly scanning the people nearby, Minister Shoigu’s staff presented the Worm’s Eye View with a press release handout. This document explained that Russia’s ongoing attempts to liberate Ukraine from the Western imperial capitalists Western-leaning but misguided former Russians were consuming most of the military inventory. The document then went on to describe how Russia’s defense ministry was creatively inspecting and readying a variety of lethal weaponry. Pictures of these items are shown below. The Russian Defense Ministry’s plan is to bring these items out of museums long-term storage, retrain their military on proper use, and then deploy these along the Finnish border. “The Finns won’t know what to think when they see this,” stated an anonymous member of Shoigu’s entourage.
Images 5-7: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 8 April 2023.