Classified document accessory competition update.
Image 1-3: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 16 Jan 2023.
The ongoing competition among uber-rich people who deigned to participate in Government work took an interesting turn this week. The Department of Justice (not affiliated with the Justice League) announced that investigators had uncovered more classified documents at one of the homes of President Joe Biden. The collection of documents adds to the first round discovered in President Biden’s garage, where they were holding up the corner of a table. The investigators will continue to search these and other properties of the President until they are convinced all illegally stored documents are recovered. This action is supported by the Delaware police department, whose entire force is pictured below. An unnamed investigator was quoted off the record as saying, “we haven’t had this much action since Watergate!” The Delaware police officer was also asked for a quote and stated, “Gosh, they just walked right in and had a warrant. I feel like I am on CSI Delaware!”
Image 4: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 16 Jan 2023.
When asked why he had classified documents in an unsecured location, President Biden responded, “I thought it was OK. I mean, Hillary started her electronic collection and loved to show them off at parties. It was a real conversation dominator for who had the most unique collections. You know how it goes, man, I couldn’t leave office and not have something to one-up her. Besides, I heard a President can use mind powers to unclassify documents.” At this point, the interview ended when aides forcefully reminded the President about his next appointment.
Hillary Clinton was later asked to comment on the President’s comments about her displaying classified documents at parties. Ms. Clinton responded by stating, “Those men trying to catch up to me, phoey! I had the vision to grab classified documents. They are just trying to catch up but are once again lost in my wake. I don’t follow fashion; I set it!”
Image 5: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 16 Jan 2023.
Not to be outmaneuvered, former President Donald Trump released the following statement on Truthish Social. The general press was alerted to its presence a few days later. “Hillary claims to have created some fashion trend, but we have all seen what she wears. Joe thinks he has one-upped us with his new collection, but I have the most bigly collection of them all. Only a man with really large hands can handle such a bigly collection as mine. All of which are perfectly legal since I looked at them, and that is all a President has to do to perform unclassification.”
Image 6: Retrieved from Wikipedia Commons 16 Jan 2023.
Merrick Garland has stated that the investigation continues. No decision is forthcoming on what actions the department will take. “These are serious breaches of policy and law. My department will investigate them all with a high degree of professionalism. Bragging rights in front of friends does not constitute a legal argument for possessing classified material. One action we are certain to recommend is the tried-and-true increase in required annual training for all members of Government!”